Chapter 5: The Power of Powerless Communication - How to Be Modest and Influence People

Summary Notes 

Speak softly, but carry a big stick (Theodore Roosevelt, US president)

Dave Walton, an employment lawyer, is excellent on the job. But he has a habit of stuttering at times. Jurors noticed it and actually admired Dave’s courage in being a trial lawyer.

Dave didn’t win the trial because of his stutter. But it may have created a stronger connection with the jury, helping to tip the balance in his favor.

*Our success depends heavily on influence skills. 2 fundamental paths to influence: dominance (being seen as powerful and authoritative) and prestige (becoming influential because others respect and admire us).

Takers are attracted to gaining dominance. They specialize in powerful communication: they speak forcefully, raise their voices to assert their authority, express certainty to project confidence, promote their accomplishments, and sell with conviction and pride. 

**When our audiences are skeptical, the more we try to dominate them, the more they resist. Dominance is a zero-sum game.

Conversely, prestige isn’t zero-sum. Givers specialize in powerless communication. They talk in ways that signal vulnerability, revealing their weaknesses and making use of disclaimers, hedges, and hesitations. 

**Givers develop prestige in four domains of influence: presenting, selling, persuading, and negotiating. 

Because they value the perspectives and interests of others, givers are more inclined toward asking questions than offering answers, talking tentatively than boldly, admitting their weaknesses than displaying their strengths, and seeking advice than imposing their views on others. 

O Presenting: The Value of Vulnerability

Adam was given opportunities to teach senior military leaders. 

When he talked confidently about his credentials (in a dominant tone), the colonels resisted.

When he talked more in self-deprecating manner (“I know what some of you are thinking…What can I possibly learn from a professor who’s twelve years old?”), the colonels loved his vulnerability and his session.

*By making themselves vulnerable, givers can actually build prestige. 

**Expressing vulnerability is only effective if the audience receives other signals establishing the speaker’s COMPETENCE.

Pratfall effect - a blunder by the expert makes him/her more human and approachable - instead of superior and distant.

Dave’s stutter made him less polished, and more credible as an advocate. This sends a powerful message to his audience that helps win them over by increasing his prestige and softening the dominance in his natural appearance. 

O Selling Separating the Swindlers from the Samaritans

As a part of the sales process, Bill Grumbles, an HBO executive, showed his customers that he cared about their interests by asking questions and listening to the answers. 

James Pennebaker’s “Joy of Talking” experiment - the more you talk, the more you think you’ve learned about the group. “Most of us find that communicating our thoughts is a supremely enjoyable learning experience.”

A giver salesperson at an eye-wear (who happens to be the top-selling optician) - “I see myself as an optician. We’re in the medical field first, retail second, sales maybe third. My job is to take the patient, ask the patient questions, and see what the patient needs. My mindset is not to sell. My job is to help. My main purpose is to educate and inform patients on what’s important. My true concern in the long run is that the patient can see.”

The average givers brought in over 30% more annual revenues than matchers and 68% more than takers.

**Asking questions is a form of powerless communication that givers adopt naturally…

The defining quality of a top pharmaceutical salesperson was being a giver. And powerless communication, marked by questions, is the defining quality of how givers sell.

“Out of curiosity, are you planning to vote in the next presidential election?” By asking you that one question, I’ve just increased the odds that you will actually vote by 41%.

*When we hear a powerful persuasive message, we get suspicious. But when I ask if you’re planning to vote, you don’t feel like I’m trying to influence you. It’s an innocent query, and instead of resisting my influence, you reflect on it…You’ve been convinced by someone you already like and trust; Yourself.

“The art of advocacy is to lead you to my conclusion on YOUR TERMS. I want you to form your own conclusions: you’ll hold on to them more strongly. I try to walk jurors up to that line, drop them off, and let them make up their own minds” (Dave Walton)

*Thoughtful questions pave the way for jurors to persuade themselves. Where self-persuasion occurs, people are convinced that the motivation for change has come from within. 

**By asking people questions about their plans and intentions, we increase the likelihood that they actually act on these plans and intentions. But it only works if you already feel good about the intention that the question targets.

O Persuading: The Technique of Tentative Talk

O Negotiating: Seeking Advice in the Shadow of a Doubt

Group Reflections